So I sleep pretty well on the regular. I go to bed early, 930 or so and wake at 630, during the week for work. The weekend I don’t sleep much past 730 but don’t tend to stay up that much later than a weeknight. I’m an old woman what can I say.
Clomid makes me SO tired. I noticed it last month, but brushed it off. But yesterday morning and today I am waking up like I barely slept. Normally my alarm goes off and I wake up refreshed. Nope. Not happening now. My eyes barely want to open, I feel heavy and lethargic.
I wake up and do a few yoga poses and meditate for a little before I make coffee and get ready. I started this in January and do it every weekday morning and find that it helps ease myself into the day. I yawned through yoga and wanted to just go back to sleep during meditation.
I also have a headache. I woke to pee around 130am and I felt my head pounding. Thankfully, I drifted right back to sleep. I woke with a headache as well. I know it’s from the Clomid, so I deal. I try not to take medications unless absolutely necessary. I hate putting things in my body, it’s bad enough I’m taking these hormones.
I just want to go home and take a nap, but I’m stuck at work for another 6.5 hours.
Started up with 50mg of Clomid again last night. I always take it before bed to try to avoid the side effects. Those of which could be headache, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and blurred vision among other things. This is my third round of Clomid and I have tolerated it pretty well. I did have some bloating last time, but hey I’ll take it in comparison to the others. I do feel more tired than normal on it, but I don’t think that is a typical side effect. Could just be me.
I also had the opposite reaction to most women. Many become overwhelmed with emotion, sad or mad. I felt almost a numbness. I cry on the regular at stupid shit like a song or a movie, doesn’t matter if its happy or sad I cry for both. But while on Clomid… nothing. I even got asked to be my nieces godmother, and my sister in law and brother in law were expecting waterworks- NOTHING. They joked and said they would ask again when I wasn’t on it.
Hoping to make a nice amount of mature eggs for our final insemination next week. Monday we will find out exactly how many we are working with. First time I made 2, last time I made 3. Lets hope for 3 again this time.
I have been drinking my red raspberry lead tea every morning, not doing the pomegranate juice this time. It’s expensive and honestly, I am feeling like these old wives tales are just that. The tea I had, and isn’t that bad so it’s nothing to me to drink that instead of other tea.
We went for CD3 testing this morning, for the last time. This will be our last round of IUI for me. We originally planned to just do 2 with me, but changed to 3. Since out last two IUI’s were unsuccessful, we will give it one more try and then take a a break for a year or two and S will try.
My sonogram looked great, 12 potential follicles 6/7 in each ovary. So we will start Clomid tonight, 50mg every other night and the nights in between 25mg. Next appointment is next Monday to see how many follicles matured.
We are hoping that the third time is a charm and if not, we always have S. I am looking forward to knowing either way, what our future holds. I don’t deal well with the unknown, my anxious brain can’t handle it. I have enough going on with S starting to work nights soon so the anxiety of trying to get pregnant on top of that is really taking its toll on my mental health.
I know we will have a family one day, even if S has to create it and that’s ok with me.
So yesterday we found out that IUI #2 failed. After spending a nice night together with a glass of wine and pizza S went to get us from our favorite spot, we spent a lot of time talking through a lot of my anxieties, which are only heightened because of this very stressful process of trying to get pregnant.
I am very lucky to have someone like her to be by my side through this process. Many women have husbands who just don’t understand how stressful this is and that can make this even harder. She is so good with me on a regular basis, but with this shes even better.
I came home to candles lit, an incense from our honeymoon lit, which immediately brought me back to a very peaceful beautiful time in our lives. She does everything she can to help me through whatever I am dealing with. This time, it was something we were both dealing with, the fail of try number two. We have one try left and will start back up on Monday. No sense in waiting, especially with S starting work very soon, I would rather her be around to go to doc appts with me and be available and awake for our last insemination.
Today, we have to go to a baby shower for my first cousin and his “friend”. Yes, you read that right, a friend with benefits is pregnant and due in July. He is 21 and she is 20. This is their second child together. They had one last March and gave it up for adoption. Now they are keeping this one, even though they aren’t together and have no intention to be.
This is a tough pill to swallow when we have spend thousands of dollars to start our family and here they are just having babies left and right. Having to go to a baby shower the day after we found out I am not pregnant is just a cruel form of torture.
Unfortunately, there is no choice in this and we have to go. But tonight we will go to dinner together and have a drink and spend quality time together and re group for next week. I must be one strong son of a bitch, well I know I am. You would know too if you knew half of my fucked up life. But that’s enough content for an entirely new and different blog.
As suspected, this IUI is a fail. I started spotting yesterday, a tell tale sign that AF is on its way but went for my blood work this morning anyway. Woke early, did my yoga and meditation, got ready for work and headed in. Blood work was quick and easy and the nurse took me into a room and I explained how my HPT’s were negative and I was spotting. She said that she would call later with results and we would go from there.
I told her I am putting things into perspective, I consider us lucky. If I cannot carry a baby, I had S to try in a few years. Many couples do not have this option. She said it was wonderful to see someone with perspective, as she deals with women all day who just cannot see past their own struggle.
The doc’s office called, but I missed it and no vm. Coincidentally S had stopped by my office to heat up lunch and eat in between review class and going to the library. We called the doc together on speaker and he said it was a negative test. Which we knew, but it still hurt because a very small part of me was like maybe there’s still a chance.
So we go back Monday to start back up again for our last cycle. For now I’ll try not to be too hard on myself and lean on S for some support this weekend. I know this is just as hard on her as it is me. I am so lucky to have her by my side, and I know with her I can get through anything.
We tested again last night, nothing. Started to get discouraged but brushed it off because hey, these HPT’s arent 100% accurate. It’s the blood test that really seals the deal.
I woke up this morning and upon wiping, noticed AF rearing her ugly head. I was instantly drained of everything I had in me. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I crawled into bed and pulled S into me. She sleepily said, Hi babe, How You ( we know how to speak correctly, but this is our greeting to each other) to which I replied with a heavy exhale and through some tears replied I’m getting my period. She immediately turned around to face me, grabbed me and kissed me and consoled me as I laid there tears streaming down my face.
After exchanging all sorts of optimistic thoughts, I had to get up and face the day and get ready for work. We will still go tomorrow for blood work, as in some very rare cases, women get their periods and are still pregnant. Not that I am putting any real hope into this, it’s part of the process. I will get my bloodwork and they will tell me I’m not pregnant. Again. The the process starts all over again next week with bloodwork, sonograms and Clomid.
Our next round, is our final round. At the beginning we said two tries, then right before we started try 1, we said we will try three times and then we will wait until S is more established in her new nursing position and then she will try. So if this doesn’t work. We will take a few year break, work on saving money, buying a house and then S will try to build our family.
Doing everything I can to not lose hope and keep the faith that what’s meant to be will be. No matter what, we have each other than that is more than some people have. I am lucky to have a woman who supports me and loves me unconditionally. Sometimes with this process we focus on what we DON’T have and forget about what we DO. I am taking today to appreciate what I do have.
Last cycle, we started testing 10dpiui and every time we didn’t see a line, it was heartbreaking. We told ourselves we wouldn’t home test next time. Well, we made it to 11dpiui and tested. Negative. I had a feeling this time didn’t work, all my PMS symptoms are there. I have read though that PMS and pregnancy symptoms are basically the same (thanks mother nature for that confusion) so I tried to just brush it off.
I got home from work and sat down on the couch to join S, where she was studying for her NCLEX (nursing boards exam) and we were both saying how we can’t wait until Friday. She mentioned how we could just take a test, and how it would be so much more fun to see a line than get a voicemail. I didn’t argue and said, we can if you want, and she gave me a smile. It didn’t take much convincing on either of our parts to take a test. So I peed in a cup and S took our testing stick and dipped it. We left it for its 5 minutes and checked… Nothing. A little disappointing but we kissed and hugged each other and told the other, it’s still early.
We aren’t giving up hope yet, as blood work is the true test. Many HPT (home pregnancy tests) don’t work or aren’t as sensitive as blood. But it is a little bit of a blow to your hopes and dreams of this time it turning out positive.
Will we test again tonight? Who knows, that will be decided later when I get home from work!