Today I am 10DPIUI. I go Friday for blood work to see if my third and final IUI worked. I had a dream over the weekend I got a positive at home pregnancy test. I have never had a dream like that before so maybe it’s a good sign.
I am getting a little antsy and want to do some home tests now. I dont know if I can wait until Friday. My period is due Thursday. Last time I got my period before I even got the BFN (big fat negative) so I am curious to see how this plays out.
We had an amazing weekend, which distracted us from the wait. Friday night we went to a wedding and ate copious amounts of food. Saturday we took a little hike through a local trail and stopped for a beer on the way home at a local brewery. Yes, I am drinking during my TWW. I have been told my my RE that there is no harm to be done to an embryo in this early of a stage and to live life as if I were not trying to get pregnant. So back the eff up if you are feeling some type of way about this. Do some research before getting on your high horse.
Did you know that you can drink while breastfeeding too, and NOT have to dump out your supply? Go do some research on that too!
Yesterday, we hit the beach. We have quite the set up. Umbrella, chairs, cooler, wind screens, a sheet and towels. We literally create a poor mans beach house for the day. We go to what used to be a nude beach, but now you have to have something covering your holes. We both go topless, with lots of sunscreen on the nips, no one wants a burnt nipple. S has what it called a snatch patch, a tiny piece of fabric attached to what is essentially a bra wire that goes on like a thong with no strings except between the ass cheeks, is that a good visual for you?
We had a Groupon to use before it expired so we stopped off on the way home. We spent the evening relaxing at home with our furbaby Rocco.
Now, Monday is back and so is the longest wait of our lives. This one, being our last try until S can try, will be even longer.
So my first round of IUI, all I did was obsess about being pregnant and having a baby. Every free moment was spent on Pinterest pinning room ideas, baby hacks and outfits. I ate, slept and breathed all things baby. My mind thought I was pregnant, I was planning every step of pregnancy and beyond.
My second IUI, I balanced it out. Pros and cons of being pregnant, part of the time I planned for baby and part of the time I spent convincing myself that it’s ok if I don’t get pregnant.
I suffer from anxiety, I have mentioned it before. So planning and overthinking is my life. In the beginning I though, prepare for the life you want kind of thing. So everything was planned as if I was pregnant. That’s how I cope.
Now on our last and final IUI, I have transferred more to a when I don’t get pregnant mentality as if to prepare myself for the inevitable BFN ( big fat negative- pregnancy test).
I almost feel as if I am cheating myself out of the experience by planning to NOT be pregnant but then on the other hand, if I planned the other way and it didn’t work maybe if I plan to NOT get pregnant, I WILL? Reverse psychology with myself?! Does that even work?
I consider myself very lucky to have my wife on the back burner. Straight couples do not get that, it’s either they get pregnant or they don’t have kids. Maybe that’s another reason I’m convincing myself that if I don’t get pregnant, it’s ok because we still has S to try.
Does anyone else play these weird and twisted games with their mind or is it just me?
Sorry it’s been so long but I had to take advantage of every minute with S this weekend. We had our third and final insemination on Friday. So that made it a 5 day weekend for me. S isn’t working right now, she actually just took her Nclex (nursing boards exam) the day before our IUI. PS She passed, of course!
Anyway, back to the main attraction. IUI was scheduled for 10am Friday. We went and got a donut on the way at this amazing factory thats near our house. This place supplies all the donuts to the Tri State area 7-11’s ( if you’re not from around here 7-11 is a chain convenience store notorious to this area) so they are pretty damn awesome. We know now from experience that once we check in at the doc, the thawing process of the donor sperm is a little over an hour. So we checked in and went back to the car where S let me listen to country music (which she HATES) while we ate our donuts.
This time, the procedure was quite painful. I have a retroverted uterus. Which basically means it’s tilted. But that makes my cervix harder to find than Waldo AND Carmen San Diego put together! My doc always uses a special wide speculum which he says helps him find my cervix better. Well, this time it didn’t help. Even with my hips at a higher angle and the special speculum, it took him 5 minutes just to get it in place. I even had to press down on my lower abdomen to try to help get my uterus into position. After all that cranking around inside my business, it was go time. This sample left us with 10.05 million sperm and 71% motility! He introduced the catheter into my cervix and away we went. That part doesn’t hurt at all, you cannot even feel it. Well, I cant or maybe I am just so beyond pain after getting the speculum in there.
Once he was done, we laid in the room for our 15-20 minute with my legs up in the stirrups. Instead of listening to music this time, we just talked. S held my hand and stroked my hair. It was a calm experience.
Afterwards we headed to a cute town on the north shore that we both love. We hit our favorite lesbian owned eatery with food to die for. We ordered and took it down by the water to eat. We brought a blanket to lay out in the grass overlooking the docks. We sat out and watched the boats come and go while we ate our lunch.
The rest of the weekend was a BLUR. For 5 days off, it went FAST. We hit the beach, we spent time with family and we spend time ALONE. I really needed this reset. I haven’t had 5 days off in a row since our Honeymoon in Sept 2015. So it was awesome to not wake to an alarm, even though I didn’t sleep much past my normal wake up time. Damn internal clock.
The next step is blood work Friday morning at 730 to check my progesterone and estrogen levels. Then the following Friday will be the blood test to check for pregnancy. So far the TWW is flying by. Let’s hope the next 9 days go by just as fast!
CD10 yesterday revealed 3 mature follicles and a 7.5mm uterine lining. My thinnest so far on CD10 but it’s still good so I am happy. S wanted more follicles and complained that we should have done 50mg of Clomid all 5 days, but I think 3 is just fine. I don’t want multiples, she will be gone 13 hours a day, I’ll be home crying with more than one infant.
I have been drinking my red raspberry leaf tea and my daily spinach and fruit smoothie. I also take an AMAZING pre conception vitamin. If you are looking for a great vitamin, I highly suggest Theralogix Core. They also have a prenatal to switch to once you become pregnant which has the DHA in it. It is expensive, around 30 dollars for a 3 month supply. But the amount of each vitamin in each pill is more than what you will get at CVS or Costco, I compared them all. It’s even more than my sister in law’s prescription prenatal. You can google for a provider referral code if you’re RE doesn’t have one for you.
S has her Nclex on Thursday so I am hoping for Friday insemination. I also have off Monday and Tuesday for 4th of July so I would LOVE a 5 day weekend. So far all my OPKs are negative. If I don’t get a positive tomorrow, I have a 7am appt with the RE for blood work and another internal sonogram. Last time I went, they called and said my blood work showed my surge and I went the next day. I am hoping for the same this time.
I am anxious to see what this last try brings us. Will it work? Will the third time be a charm? Or will we have to wait a few years for S to try. Whatever the case, we will be ok. We have each other and we will have a family one day. Everything will happen exactly when it’s supposed to happen.
So, I probably jinxed myself by saying Clomid is really easy on me. I have read stories on my FB support group of women being extremely emotional. From anger to sadness, and feeling both VERY deeply. My RE even told a story of a woman in another country who murdered her husband while on Clomid and got away with it due the the fact that the medication affected her ability to think rationally!
Thankfully I am not THAT bad. S is still alive I promise you. But yesterday, I was AWFUL! I was so tried and so cranky I didn’t even want to be around myself! Have you ever felt that way?! I was annoying myself!
I went to Trader Joe’s on lunch, because I am semi obsessed with that place. So I do my shopping, I eat some samples, I buy said samples to bring home because why not. I bought two different kinds of cookies, and this was after buying two candy bars at Dollar Tree. (Side note, I buy food when I am not feeling right although now I realize I might be spoiling myself by rewarding my own bad behavior)
So I get in my old car that squeaks and squeals like a pig because she needs all kinds of work done and well all our money is going to create this life inside of me. So I look behind me and start to pull out slowly, I notice a nice new white Jeep come whipping around the corner and into the parking lot who stops short after finally noticing me pulling out. Now as soon as I saw her whip in I stopped pulling out because I had no clue if she saw me or not. So after she stops short, this very young blond girl with a car full of other young girls with the radio blasting, starts giving me the finger and shouting. Luckily both our windows were shut, and I am NOT proud of my actions after this. I now start flailing my arms giving her the finger and shouting a string of obscenities in her direction (again windows on both vehicles are closed) until I feel my face getting red. Now, I finish pulling out and before I am even shifting into drive, she is already speeding past me. I was so agitated by this and I NEVER do this. I always smile and wave at people who get road rage because I don’t normally let shit like that get to me. NORMALLY, yesterday wasn’t a normal day for me.
I couldn’t wait to just get home, eat dinner, shower and spend some time with S. She spent most of the night studying for her nursing boards next week while I sat next to her on the Ipad on Pinterest. (I am also addicted to Pinterest) But I was still next to her, and just having that time to sit in silence next to the one I love the most, calmed me.
Let’s hope today goes a little more smoothly!
Started up with 50mg of Clomid again last night. I always take it before bed to try to avoid the side effects. Those of which could be headache, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and blurred vision among other things. This is my third round of Clomid and I have tolerated it pretty well. I did have some bloating last time, but hey I’ll take it in comparison to the others. I do feel more tired than normal on it, but I don’t think that is a typical side effect. Could just be me.
I also had the opposite reaction to most women. Many become overwhelmed with emotion, sad or mad. I felt almost a numbness. I cry on the regular at stupid shit like a song or a movie, doesn’t matter if its happy or sad I cry for both. But while on Clomid… nothing. I even got asked to be my nieces godmother, and my sister in law and brother in law were expecting waterworks- NOTHING. They joked and said they would ask again when I wasn’t on it.
Hoping to make a nice amount of mature eggs for our final insemination next week. Monday we will find out exactly how many we are working with. First time I made 2, last time I made 3. Lets hope for 3 again this time.
I have been drinking my red raspberry lead tea every morning, not doing the pomegranate juice this time. It’s expensive and honestly, I am feeling like these old wives tales are just that. The tea I had, and isn’t that bad so it’s nothing to me to drink that instead of other tea.
We went for CD3 testing this morning, for the last time. This will be our last round of IUI for me. We originally planned to just do 2 with me, but changed to 3. Since out last two IUI’s were unsuccessful, we will give it one more try and then take a a break for a year or two and S will try.
My sonogram looked great, 12 potential follicles 6/7 in each ovary. So we will start Clomid tonight, 50mg every other night and the nights in between 25mg. Next appointment is next Monday to see how many follicles matured.
We are hoping that the third time is a charm and if not, we always have S. I am looking forward to knowing either way, what our future holds. I don’t deal well with the unknown, my anxious brain can’t handle it. I have enough going on with S starting to work nights soon so the anxiety of trying to get pregnant on top of that is really taking its toll on my mental health.
I know we will have a family one day, even if S has to create it and that’s ok with me.