So my first round of IUI, all I did was obsess about being pregnant and having a baby. Every free moment was spent on Pinterest pinning room ideas, baby hacks and outfits. I ate, slept and breathed all things baby. My mind thought I was pregnant, I was planning every step of pregnancy and beyond.
My second IUI, I balanced it out. Pros and cons of being pregnant, part of the time I planned for baby and part of the time I spent convincing myself that it’s ok if I don’t get pregnant.
I suffer from anxiety, I have mentioned it before. So planning and overthinking is my life. In the beginning I though, prepare for the life you want kind of thing. So everything was planned as if I was pregnant. That’s how I cope.
Now on our last and final IUI, I have transferred more to a when I don’t get pregnant mentality as if to prepare myself for the inevitable BFN ( big fat negative- pregnancy test).
I almost feel as if I am cheating myself out of the experience by planning to NOT be pregnant but then on the other hand, if I planned the other way and it didn’t work maybe if I plan to NOT get pregnant, I WILL? Reverse psychology with myself?! Does that even work?
I consider myself very lucky to have my wife on the back burner. Straight couples do not get that, it’s either they get pregnant or they don’t have kids. Maybe that’s another reason I’m convincing myself that if I don’t get pregnant, it’s ok because we still has S to try.
Does anyone else play these weird and twisted games with their mind or is it just me?